Things Those Parenting Books Don’t Tell You…

*FULL DISCLAIMER – Names have been changed. Everything you are about to read has been approved by my child. We are on this journey together. 

I remember the minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had left my future ex-husband (though I wouldn’t actually leave him until many years later), and I was sitting in Calgary with a girlfriend who was home from teaching overseas. It was Father’s Day 2000. I peed on the stick, cried, laughed, called my mom and every other close female friend, and then I called my husband. He was thrilled! We stayed together and started planning for the new family we were creating.

It wasn’t a difficult pregnancy physically. I lost my mom seven and a half months in…that turned my world upside down, but otherwise I delivered a healthy 8lb 13oz baby girl at 37 weeks. Alix was a beautiful, happy baby. She had the chubbiest cheeks, curly cue hair, and a sweet disposition. In the years to come, two brothers followed. We did what most families do…bought a house, worked, played, tried to do the best we could for our kids. I suppose I could write more about the 13 years I stayed in the marriage, really reflect on the good and the ugly…but I’ve already done that for myself. The purpose of giving background is to just paint the picture that for the most part, we were a pretty average family.

I used to worry about what I would be doing to my children if I got a divorce. How much damage would being a child of divorce do to their psyche and development? I knew as a teacher how hard a family break up was on a child and I didn’t want mine to live that. However, in the end, I realized that what I was teaching my kids by staying in my marriage was worse. Children learn what they live, and what we lived wasn’t healthy, loving, gentle, or kind. Alix was 10, and his brothers were 7 and 5 when I finally had the courage to leave. You may have noticed a switch in pronouns. Yes, that was intentional.

My oldest son is a musician. He is an artist, reptile enthusiast, comic book lover, Spider-Man super fan, superhero-loving nerd. He is courageous, intelligent, methodical, compassionate, sharp and witty. He is so much more than I can capture on a page. He is also transgender. There are no parenting books that can prepare a parent for this journey. While science is evolving, there are currently no blood tests that will definitively show a chromosome abnormality such as XXY that can help a person navigate with certainty the path to take. Alix started questioning his gender identity when he was 12, during puberty. He would make statements about not liking his body, or hating the monthly menstrual cycle. I recall having heated conversations with him where I would emphatically state, “Every woman hates having their period! No one likes their body when they’re going through puberty!” He would just keep telling me that how he felt was different.

When I think back on those days now, I breathe a silent prayer of thanks to the Universe, God, whomever might be listening. I realize now how fortunate I am that my son kept talking to me. How lucky I am that he didn’t just turn himself inside out trying to live the life I had planned for him – the life that fit my definition and comfort level, and that he had the courage to speak up for what he felt and needed. The suicide statistics for teens who are transgender are staggeringly frightening. I am so very grateful that my son’s courage, friends, and the doctors we have seen were able to help him want to stay in this world; that he had the strength to pull me and his brothers along with him, and trust how much we love him and want to support him.

It has been a difficult path. There was a long period of time where I just wanted to believe that this was a phase, something he would grow out of as he got older. I wanted to believe that he was feeling different because of the divorce, or because of the challenging relationship he has had with his father, or because I screwed up as a parent. I wanted to protect him from the ugly judgements people have, and from the unknown variables that will no doubt impact him throughout his life. But when I think about it now, I realize that as parents we have those fears about our children regardless of their path.

Alix and I have incredible medical and mental health care professionals who we trust. His pediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, specialists, and Gender Pathways doctors and nurses have been amazing. He and I have spent years working to understand his gender dysphoria, and he has completed multiple evaluations to determine recommendations on how to proceed. He has never been in a hurry and, like his mother, he seeks as much information as possible before moving forward. Alix has started gender-confirming hormone treatments, and has chosen a new name that reflects the young man he is growing to be. He is growing to be exactly what I wanted for him – happy, healthy, confident.

When my son was turning 16 and wanting to explore hormones, and undergo a full evaluation with a gender non-conformity specialist (yes, they have those), a dear friend of mine told me that its not my script to write anymore. She was absolutely right. He needs to write his own script, and I am fortunate to be a part of his cast.

My family, my ex-husband, friends have asked, “How do you know this isn’t just a phase? He’s 17, how can he know how he will feel in five or ten years?” I guess I think of it like this…how does a person know what their sexual preferences are? How does one know if they are gay, lesbian, heterosexual, or bi-sexual. They just know. How does it serve a person to choose to live in a world where your rights and value as a human being are questioned? Why would anyone knowingly choose a path where discrimination and judgement may present themselves in any interaction? They wouldn’t. It has taken us years to come to this place of acceptance. It has taken thousands of hours of research and consultation with professionals to become knowledgable and feel confident about the path forward. I know my child, and all he wants to do is be his true, authentic self and live his best, most full and happy life. I am incredibly proud to be his mother. He has taught me more than any parenting book ever could.