Author: karimontgomery1

Life is busy. Work is busy. Living and working during a global pandemic is…busy. How do we manage it all? There are daily posts in social media about how educators, first responders, medical professionals, and pretty much anyone who works and interacts with the public are feeling like they are drowning, unappreciated, giving more of their emotional and physical energy than ever before and feeling so overwhelmed. I have been feeling it too! So, I started seeking podcasts about work/life balance and hoped that my actions would shift my mindset.

When I would hear discussions about finding “balance” in application to work and life, I immediately felt like “here is something else I am failing at.” I would attempt to balance my personal and professional life, yet I felt like I was trying to split myself in the middle with one side of me focused on my “work commitments” – students, teachers and staff, parents, professional learning, email, et cetera and the other half standing on the “real life” scale – where my family, loved ones, daily life management and personal passions sat. 

The very definition of the word balance is “to keep or put (something) in a steady position so that it doesn’t fall,” which paints images of someone precariously balancing on the edge of a precipice, or the circus act of a person with multiple plates spinning on sticks while standing on one leg.

It felt like my “work” and my “life” were in constant competition with each other; which meant that those two selves were always working against each other, rather than coexisting. We know that life is NEVER 50/50 and the demands in both our personal and professional lives inevitably pull at each other. Rather than thinking of ways to balance two opposing pieces, I decided to try seeking work-life harmony instead.

Harmony allows a person to shift the focus away from thinking about balance and dividing oneself or one’s time to be equally distributed. Work/life harmony is about integration and the acceptance of ebb and flow. When we consider music, Merriam-Webster defines harmony as;

You can find multiple variations on any definition, but my favorite comes from Google where they define harmony as “the quality of forming a pleasing and consistent whole.” Placing the emphasis on forming a pleasing whole allows a person to think about all the areas of life and how to bring them into congruence with each other. 

Living in harmony acknowledges the challenge of 24 hours in a day, and encourages you to embrace a shift in how you relate to the day. It invites you to think about the best values and culture that exists in your workplace and consider how those are mirrored in your personal life. Harmony is the creation of a “pleasing whole” that brings you internal calm and encourages you to look for the positives in how you invest your energy, celebrate the accomplishments of the day, and prioritize what comes next.

If we can consider our mindset as the key of our life melody, our relationship with time management as the rhythm, and how we acknowledge, adjust, and accommodate our whole being’s needs we can compose a musical masterpiece!

Make your life a symphony!

*FULL DISCLAIMER – Names have been changed. Everything you are about to read has been approved by my child. We are on this journey together. 

I remember the minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had left my future ex-husband (though I wouldn’t actually leave him until many years later), and I was sitting in Calgary with a girlfriend who was home from teaching overseas. It was Father’s Day 2000. I peed on the stick, cried, laughed, called my mom and every other close female friend, and then I called my husband. He was thrilled! We stayed together and started planning for the new family we were creating.

It wasn’t a difficult pregnancy physically. I lost my mom seven and a half months in…that turned my world upside down, but otherwise I delivered a healthy 8lb 13oz baby girl at 37 weeks. Alix was a beautiful, happy baby. She had the chubbiest cheeks, curly cue hair, and a sweet disposition. In the years to come, two brothers followed. We did what most families do…bought a house, worked, played, tried to do the best we could for our kids. I suppose I could write more about the 13 years I stayed in the marriage, really reflect on the good and the ugly…but I’ve already done that for myself. The purpose of giving background is to just paint the picture that for the most part, we were a pretty average family.

I used to worry about what I would be doing to my children if I got a divorce. How much damage would being a child of divorce do to their psyche and development? I knew as a teacher how hard a family break up was on a child and I didn’t want mine to live that. However, in the end, I realized that what I was teaching my kids by staying in my marriage was worse. Children learn what they live, and what we lived wasn’t healthy, loving, gentle, or kind. Alix was 10, and his brothers were 7 and 5 when I finally had the courage to leave. You may have noticed a switch in pronouns. Yes, that was intentional.

My oldest son is a musician. He is an artist, reptile enthusiast, comic book lover, Spider-Man super fan, superhero-loving nerd. He is courageous, intelligent, methodical, compassionate, sharp and witty. He is so much more than I can capture on a page. He is also transgender. There are no parenting books that can prepare a parent for this journey. While science is evolving, there are currently no blood tests that will definitively show a chromosome abnormality such as XXY that can help a person navigate with certainty the path to take. Alix started questioning his gender identity when he was 12, during puberty. He would make statements about not liking his body, or hating the monthly menstrual cycle. I recall having heated conversations with him where I would emphatically state, “Every woman hates having their period! No one likes their body when they’re going through puberty!” He would just keep telling me that how he felt was different.

When I think back on those days now, I breathe a silent prayer of thanks to the Universe, God, whomever might be listening. I realize now how fortunate I am that my son kept talking to me. How lucky I am that he didn’t just turn himself inside out trying to live the life I had planned for him – the life that fit my definition and comfort level, and that he had the courage to speak up for what he felt and needed. The suicide statistics for teens who are transgender are staggeringly frightening. I am so very grateful that my son’s courage, friends, and the doctors we have seen were able to help him want to stay in this world; that he had the strength to pull me and his brothers along with him, and trust how much we love him and want to support him.

It has been a difficult path. There was a long period of time where I just wanted to believe that this was a phase, something he would grow out of as he got older. I wanted to believe that he was feeling different because of the divorce, or because of the challenging relationship he has had with his father, or because I screwed up as a parent. I wanted to protect him from the ugly judgements people have, and from the unknown variables that will no doubt impact him throughout his life. But when I think about it now, I realize that as parents we have those fears about our children regardless of their path.

Alix and I have incredible medical and mental health care professionals who we trust. His pediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, specialists, and Gender Pathways doctors and nurses have been amazing. He and I have spent years working to understand his gender dysphoria, and he has completed multiple evaluations to determine recommendations on how to proceed. He has never been in a hurry and, like his mother, he seeks as much information as possible before moving forward. Alix has started gender-confirming hormone treatments, and has chosen a new name that reflects the young man he is growing to be. He is growing to be exactly what I wanted for him – happy, healthy, confident.

When my son was turning 16 and wanting to explore hormones, and undergo a full evaluation with a gender non-conformity specialist (yes, they have those), a dear friend of mine told me that its not my script to write anymore. She was absolutely right. He needs to write his own script, and I am fortunate to be a part of his cast.

My family, my ex-husband, friends have asked, “How do you know this isn’t just a phase? He’s 17, how can he know how he will feel in five or ten years?” I guess I think of it like this…how does a person know what their sexual preferences are? How does one know if they are gay, lesbian, heterosexual, or bi-sexual. They just know. How does it serve a person to choose to live in a world where your rights and value as a human being are questioned? Why would anyone knowingly choose a path where discrimination and judgement may present themselves in any interaction? They wouldn’t. It has taken us years to come to this place of acceptance. It has taken thousands of hours of research and consultation with professionals to become knowledgable and feel confident about the path forward. I know my child, and all he wants to do is be his true, authentic self and live his best, most full and happy life. I am incredibly proud to be his mother. He has taught me more than any parenting book ever could.

My head and heart are full of ideas! Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by all the things I am ruminating about that I get bogged down. This feeling is crippling for me! Where do I start? What should I work on? Why can’t I stay focused on one thing for longer than 10 minutes? Squirrel!

So, it is with bold acknowledgement that I say, “Hey, you gotta start somewhere! So here I am.” I am blogging for me. Writing helps me reflect and focus. I used to journal all the time, but somewhere, somehow, life got in the way. I stopped prioritizing the things that took more time than I felt I could give, like journaling, art, reading for pleasure, going for a walk, etc. Everything has had to have a quantifiable purpose – write an email, create a bulletin board, read a professional book, walk to get somewhere, and so on. Today I am reframing. I am finding ways to serve myself, so that I can serve others with a whole heart and with all my energy.

If you choose to join me – welcome to the journey!